For as long, I've known on that day I'd be expected to stand up in front of my class and give a ten-minute presentation.
For as long, I've been filled with terror.
So 'the day' finally came around and I arrived at the venue at 08:00am and began popping calm and anti-sickness over-the-counter tablets like mints, I needed something, anything to convince me it would all be OKAY.
There were moments where I even thought it would be.
Two hours later however and I found myself sitting in a store room having run as far as I could.
The idea of standing up in front of class mates - something I'd unwillingly had to do in previous terms before - felt different this time, the Phobia felt stronger and the fear more overwhelming.
In previous presentations I've never felt particularly comfortable, each time having a fight-or-flight as the previous speaker concluded, but still finding the inner-strength to stand and give my piece.
However I'd built up so much anxiety about this particular presentation - based solely on the area of my study - that any pointless mutterings of "Just fight it" wouldn't have even broken the surface.
It was an unrelenting panic giving constant bouts of: hyperventilation, hot and cold flushes, disorientation, nausea, excess-saliva, blurred-vision, closing esophagus and tinging in the hands.
Nothing however quite beat the mental fear of impending unknown.
How could any Emetophobe possibly stand and give a presentation whilst in that state, each symptom giving plausibility to the fear you're going to be sick and this isn't "just panic"?
If the day taught me anything it's that I really can't care about what people think about me.
It was all hugely embarrassing and pride-destroying but selfishly I have to look out for myself and if that means running away so that I feel safe then so be it!
Over and out.
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