Emetophobia and Indigestion: 23/01/13

Last Wednesday I suffered a severe bout of indigestion.

Admittedly the suffering was somewhat self inflicted, I guess I'd eaten too much that day and so as the night drew in I started to feel bloated and generally full.

That full feeling seemed to grow to the point where I had a really dull, ache in my upper abdomen, I felt nausea and was suffering acid reflux which was leaving a nasty metallic taste in my mouth.

I can always tell when I have indigestion by pulling up my top and looking at my stomach and upper abdo in the mirror: a circular area just below my breasts seems to appear, seemingly blown up like a balloon and hard to the touch. Gas.

Admittedly seeing the enlarged area - particularly when I AM feeling nauseous - comes as a HUGE relief; I realize that I'm not feeling ill because I've caught a bug or actually have to be sick, it's just indigestion.

However on this particular night I was so full and lethargic that even confirming the cause of my bad feeling didn't do much to stop my panic.

I'd eaten a hefty amount compared with what I'd consumed in recent weeks and I felt nauseous: in thinking this and experiencing blind panic I couldn't help but think about how my mum - who has been on an effective diet for over a year - a few months ago ate an uncharacteristically large meal than what she was used to.

This resulted in her physically being sick during the night.

Of course these flashes of memories didn't help me in the slightest.

I could feel (what I can only describe now as 'gas bubbles') drawing up from my abdomen into my neck, eventually passing up and being burped out.

But at the time these gas bubbles seemed more sinister, at the time I fretted about whether they were gas bubbles at all and not "something much worse".

I ended up taking off my top, walking around topless; the touch of fabric against my skin making me feel even worse; I took two herbal Kalms, two anti-sickness Motilium and two indigestion tablets.

For the first time ever I even found myself breathing into a bag to try and control the panic, something that worked rather well.

Suicide

The panic hitting, being experienced and then easing off in five minute cycles, I was so tired, scared, alone and delirious that I ended up phoning a suicide helpline to discuss how I was feeling.

I wasn't sure what I'd do if another debilitating panic cycle hit; would I actually do something silly to make the fear and terror go away?

At the time: Yes.

I didn't know "What" I wanted to do, but the thought of being asleep, dead to the World felt like the only way out of these viscous panics.

So tempting, indeed, that for some time shortly after 2am I considered it a viable option.

The person on the end of the phone was able to calm me down; certainly talking about how I felt and what I planned to do in a bid to stop the terror actually helped me concentrate on something else other than the anxiety; I unintentionally, calmly burped out the gas.

As 3am struck - a time of day interestingly close to my Hour of Ease - I was ready for bed.

I'm neither proud nor shamed that I felt so bad I wanted to die; even six days on as I write this I still grimace when I think back to how bad, scared and panicked I felt.

I'm numb...